How to Rescue a Princess: The Full Guide by Marco Diaz
by Predominantly Normal
Summary: When Star is kidnapped, Marco takes it upon himself to save her. All he has to do is find a forbidden dimension, master the infinite potentials of magic, and transverse the subconscious mind of his best friend. Star has the hard part: she has to survive. [Jarco/Starco] Multichap.
1. A Monster Ruins My Frozen Yogurt

**I DO NOT OWN STAR VS. THE FORCES OF EVIL**

 **Hey, so I'm aware I posted a version of this already, however I decided to change some things up that would majorly affect the plot, so I'm deciding to re-upload it. Firstly, I realized that I'm pretty much doomed to writing first person POV for life. Secondly, I wanted a little more exposition. Anyways, I'm thinking I'll have this story switch between Marco and Star's point of view.**

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A Monster Ruins My Frozen Yogurt

Look, I'm a pretty reasonable guy.

I'm not very optimistic, and I don't ask for much. In my short sixteen years, I've come to learn that life kicks you in the shins a whole lot less once you stop expecting things from it.

Still, I had the occasional nerve to hope for things every now and again.

And on the day Star was kidnapped, I had just two goals: 1.) to have my two-year anniversary with Jackie Lynn Thomas go without a hitch, and 2.) to make sure that for _once_ in my life, Star would stay out of it. Of course, wish one was utterly dashed by twelve o'clock.

Wish two- now that's the one that haunts me.

Still, despite my shortcomings, I was actually having a pretty good morning before my best friend was kidnapped by a demonic monster hell-bent on ruling the multiverse.

Star and I sat on the outside deck of a small frozen yogurt place. It was a warm day on the brink of summer vacation, and Star's eyes were glowing like my laptop's LED display in the sun.

"So- date with Jackie," Star hummed, using her fingers to channel magic through her spoon.

"Right," I said. "Jackie. Date. Tonight. Oh my god." I buried my head into my hands and laughed nervously.

A laugh bubbled from Star's lips, and she gestured for her spoon. It scooped up a bite of Raspberry Pomegranate Swirl, and floated across the small circular table. "Here, Marco, taste this."

Star's magical abilities had grown exponentially in the past few years, and she was taking every opportunity to make the most out of them. But while it was an undoubtedly helpful asset when trying to grab a remote that had fallen just out of reach, her wand-less magic was virtually useless beyond the basic levitation spell.

Still, I was proud of her- she'd really worked to extend her magical powers. Even Glossaryck had demonstrated some reverence towards her newfound strength.

I lifted my head and stared at the spoon hovering an inch from my face. I rolled my eyes and cracked a grin, opening my mouth. Star pushed the spoon past my lips and the cool treat hit my tongue.

My face scrunched up instantly.

"Wow, that's sweet," I winced.

Star laughed. "I figured you wouldn't like it."

"Why'd you make me taste it, then?"

"Because your face was _hilarious,"_ Star snickered. "Plus, you were freaking out about your date. I had to chill you out somehow."

The mention of my date with Jackie made my face go white again. Look, I like to think I'm a pretty good boyfriend. Taking Jackie out isn't exactly foreign to me. But things like anniversaries or school dances? They still made my stomach rev like an attention-starved drunkard on a Harley.

"I still have to find my sports jacket," I said.

"Yep, sure do," Star said. She then sat up on her knees and leaned over the table. She looked me dead in the eyes. "So, what's the plan?"

"I've already told you. Dinner, and then I'm going to surprise her with the Love Sentence tickets and-,"

"No, no, no. I'm talking about the _plan,"_ Star cut me off with an exasperated sigh. I must've looked pretty dumb, because she groaned with more conviction than a customer service agent. "You know? The plan? To get your parents out of the house for the night so you and Jackie can-,"

"I get it, Star! Talk any louder, will you? God, you spend too much time with Janna."

I sighed and let my hands fall from my face. Star grabbed my palm, offering it a squeeze of reassurance (possibly with a dash of apology as well).

"Look, do whatever you want, Star. Just no magic, okay?"

"You worry too much, Marco. I'm not a kid anymore. I can control my-,"

"No magic," I insisted. "You have to promise me."

"Fine," Star huffed.

"Thank you, Star. It means a lot."

I locked eyes with her. She managed to smile a little through her obvious disappointment.

Now don't get me wrong- being best buddies with a magical princess definitely has its perks (one of which is never having a dull moment like, ever), but it was also the primary source of all the unnecessary stress in my life. The constant threat of inter-dimensional demons trying to kill you wasn't really the kind of thing teenagers my age were supposed to be dealing with.

I guess that's why I liked being around Jackie so much. She was easy. I didn't have to worry about getting myself into trouble around her.

And sometimes when I'd been knee-deep in magic for too long, it was kind of nice to sit on the couch with a regular girl and watch a stupidly forgettable movie to remind myself that the normal world still existed.

Star was quiet for a long time. I should've known something was wrong, because a quiet Star was like the quiet scene in a horror movie: unsettling, unnatural, and ultimately foreboding.

"Star?" I asked finally. "Is something up?"

Star shook out of her stupor, though she didn't yet look quite present. "Sorry," she murmured. "No, I'm fine."

I stayed quiet, because in Star's subconscious language, "Fine" translated roughly to _"I have exactly seven-and-three-quarters worth of issues with the situation at hand and I'm currently trying to figure out which one I should tell you first"._

As predicted, Star spoke up within the next minute. "I was just wondering something."

"Fire away," I offered.

"It's stupid."

"Ask anyways."

"You're not going to like it."

"You don't know that."

"Yes I do."

"How could you possibly know?"

"Damn you, Marco. Fine. I just- I just wanted to know if you really loved Jackie, okay?"

I froze. Star had never asked me that kind of question before, and frankly- I should've felt like more of a jackass for not knowing how to respond at first.

Silence took me for a long time, and I was starting to sweat a little, because while my stunned brain was drawing a starting-pistol's worth of blanks, Star was starting to look almost _hopeful._

"Wow. Uh, you were right. I don't like that question. Look, I care for her a lot, Star," I said finally. Cringing at my own weak response, I tacked on a sloppy, "So yes, I do really love her." Of course I was being honest, but at the same time, I was also pretty desperate to kill that stupid, adorable sparkle in her ocean-blue eyes.

Star looked like she was going to say something else, but the sound of a roaring monster shut her up before she even got the first word out.

Living with Star for so long had trained me to be pretty much ready for anything. Random ambushes by huge mutant creatures were always a frequency in our lives. Turns out an all-powerful magical wand kind of paints a big target on someone's back.

I leapt up, my muscles bunching in readiness as a small horde of grotesque monsters emerged from the horizon.

"Marco-,"

"We'll talk about this later," I said sternly, my eyes never leaving the apparent threat before me.

The seconds before a fight were always the tensest. It was like the brief moment of silence between pulling the pin on a grenade and waiting for it to explode. But as soon as the first muscle twitched, we all jumped into the fray without reservation.

I landed a few sharp blows against the closest beast- a bat-like monster with bright yellow eyes and leathery gray skin. He swiped back at me with his claws, but I managed to roll out of the way before he could graze me.

Despite being Echo Creek's notorious "safe kid", I'd been taking karate lessons since I was a kid, and fighting came as no stranger to me.

This, coupled with my two-year's worth of experience in active combat, made me a pretty worthy opponent; even when faced up with monsters straight out of horror flicks that could make Stephen King cry for his mommy.

Star fired a hot-pink Makeup Blast right into the mouth of the bat monster, and sent it spiraling. I always found her impossibly cute when she was in the heat of battle. With her wide grin and warlike-grace, she looked like some kind of special edition "Rebel Princess" Barbie doll. She was an odd mix of cute and terrifying, like a Hello Kitty chainsaw.

I sidestepped just in time to dodge a pair of razor-sharp claws aimed right for my neck

The small band of monsters got out of hand fast. One creature with a small bouquet's worth of eyes was knocking over tables and chairs, sending cups of half-melted frozen yogurt flying. Another beast with twin snake heads was ramming itself into the oncoming traffic.

"Star, we've gotta get out of here," I said. "There are too many people around."

I blocked a monster's swing, and then decked him back twice as hard.

Star glanced around, and then seemed to understand where I was coming from. "There's an alleyway a block down," she offered.

That was good enough for me.

Star and I slipped from the eye of the fight and sprinted down the road. The monsters weren't duped for long, and followed suit. Thankfully, we were faster than them.

We dove into the alley, sprinting until our noses were touching the brick wall at the very back.

"Ludo just doesn't quit, does he?" I asked, tensing as the small gang of beasts began to close in.

"These don't look like Ludo's," Star frowned.

It only took one closer look for me to realize she was right.

The two-headed snake monster suddenly lurched forward, jaws open. I ducked just barely, and sent my fist into one of its necks. The other head swung around and caught me on the side, sending my body into the wall. I groaned, my side screaming in pain. Shielding the naked slashes just under my ribs with trembling hands, I stumbled to my feet.

My breath left me as another monster pinned me to the cold wall.

"S-star! Covering me would be, like, awesome right about now!" I choked out, pounding at the massive beast's arm helplessly.

Star was doing a bar routine using the horns of a Minotaur, swinging through them effortlessly before ramming the poor beast into a brick wall. "Coming!" she sang, using her wand's magic to send her into a flying back-flip. She shot a blast of Narwhals halfway through her vault, hitting the monster about to castrate me dead-on.

Star landed with all the grace of a drunken gymnast. She ran over to me. She grabbed my hand and helped me up. I wobbled as I stood, my clammy hands squeezing hers to keep myself grounded.

"It got me," I hissed, turning away to protect my scratches.

"Stay back, then," Star ordered.

She grinned manically as she summoned a stampede of Warnicorns from her wand. Trapped within the walls of the alley, the monsters had nowhere to run as the brutal animals made quick work of them. I don't have much sympathy for things that try to kill me, but even I had to wince as monsters were skewered upon Warnicorn horns like grotesque shish-kebobs.

"How's that for efficient?" Star gloated.

I shoved her out of a flying Morningstar's range. "Watch out!"

I leaped over the spiked payload, sending my fist careening into the monster wielding it. The beast yelled in pain. A new rush filled me, and with a well-placed kick, I had disarmed the monster. I threw my elbow into its chin, laughing as it collapsed.

I didn't have much time to celebrate. A wave of lightheadedness caught up to me like a bad hangover, and I fell to one knee as dizziness overtook my body. I pressed my fingers into my side, soaking them in a sticky glob of blood.

I was never too religious, but at that moment, I would've sold my faith to whatever God could keep my adrenaline rush going for just a few more minutes.

Instinct flattened me to the asphalt just as a war-axe hurled past me.

There were only two monsters left.

Star fired a Rainbow Death Punch from her wand. A multicolored fist rocketed forth, slamming into the nearest monster and sending it flying into the street. If to add insult to injury, a few cars even drove over the beast as if it were nothing more than the horrific love-child of road kill and a speed-bump.

The second monster caught Star by surprise. It swung a heavy claw into her shoulder. She hissed, stumbling back.

I caught her in my arms, turning her into my body to shield her from the creature. It was beginning to windmill its arms, and I had a feeling that I was about to feel like an old credit card going through a shredder.

"Marco, what are you doing? Let me go!" Star snapped, wriggling out of my arms. She knocked me back with her elbow, and summoned a light bazooka. She hit the monster point-blank with a beam of light, and blew the imaginary smoke from the barrel.

And then, there was silence.

We both crashed, falling to our asses in exhaustion. We laughed weakly, because that's just something you do after you almost die.

Star carefully pulled off my jacket, using her magic to mend my torn flesh. Thankfully, she'd taken some extra time learning healing spells. I'd had far too many limbs turn into "freaks of nature" for one lifetime.

My side felt painfully hot for a moment, but the discomfort was soon replaced by a soothing warmness.

"Okay," Star said. "You're good now."

"Thanks," I laughed airily. "Who _were_ those guys?"

"I don't know," Star frowned. "But I don't think they were after the wand."

"What makes you say that?"

"I'm… not sure. Intuition?"

"That's a pretty big word for you, Star. I'm proud," I said, a shit-eating grin plastered on my face.

She punched me, "Shut it, Diaz." It was quiet for a moment. A frown spread across Star's face, "So what was that all about anyways?"

"Well, if they weren't after the wand-,"

"No, not the monsters. _You._ You tried to shield me and almost got us both killed. Why would you do something so _stupid?"_

"I don't know," I shrugged. "I was trying to protect you, I guess. You reeled back pretty bad."

"I was _fine_ ," Star insisted.

Anger flared up in me. I clenched my jaw "I didn't know, okay? I thought you were hurt. I was just-,"

"I don't need to be protected, Marco," Star snapped.

Look, I know I'm a little overly-cautious, but was it really so wrong to care? I'd stopped keeping count, but I knew that Star had saved me more times than my life was probably even worth. And I was always thankful every single time. I'm not saying she owed me anything, but the occasional expression of appreciation wouldn't hurt.

Sure, I hadn't saved her. But I had been prepared to be brutally maimed for her sake. That had to count for something.

I didn't want to fight, though. I was already exhausted. "What's wrong with you? We were fine just a minute ago. What made you bring this up?"

"Nothing. I'm peachy."

"Star-,"

"I said I'm fine!"

Suddenly, the earth rumbled. I thought for a moment that Star's magic had ascended to a tectonic level. Thankfully, that wasn't the case. If it were, I would be in about seven-million pieces by now.

Unfortunately, what did happen was probably ten times worse.

The blades of a pair of dimensional scissors tore through the fabric of space, opening a huge portal. The monster walking through it made the hairs at the back of my neck stick up.

He had a lion's head, with a blood-red mane that encircled his face like some kind of twisted halo. A pair of leathery bat wings extended from his back. A scorpion's tail the size of a small sedan swung back and forth menacingly. His black armored chest plate seemed to suck _in_ the sun rather than reflect it.

He walked on two legs, and approached us with the gait of someone important. He circled Star like a shark (as if I needed another reason to hate sharks).

"Star Butterfly," he hummed, the words dripping like honey from his gravelly voice. "This is new. I've never had to visit a princess in person before."

"Who _are_ you?" Star asked, standing up. She raised her wand warily. "You're the one who sent the monsters, aren't you?"

"They call me Vicero Bolivar. Victor is fine," he said, beaming with pride. "And yes, I did. I apologize for any damages. My men are typically much… cleaner in their negotiations."

Victor approached Star with a strange brand of reserved respect in his step. He kneeled down, dipping his head. He held out his hand for her.

THWACK.

I winced as Victor rubbed the red spot where he'd just been clocked. Star held her wand like a baseball bat, and reeled back to swing again.

"No," she said firmly. "No, no, no, no, _no_. You stay back."

Victor heeded her, scooting a fair distance away. He smiled again, though this one was far less practiced than the last. "You've got quite a swing, princess," he remarked.

I didn't like the look in his eyes. He was staring at Star like children look at the cheap prizes on display in rigged carnival game booths.

"What do you want with us?" I asked, my voice edging on a snarl.

"Nothing from _you,_ human. That I assure," Victor laughed.

"That's not what I-,"

"Yes, yes, well- I'll be asking your highness to come with me now," Victor interjected.

"I'm not going anywhere with you," Star said lowly. "What do you want from me?"

"Fairly simple," Victor smiled. "I want your hand."

It admittedly took me a few seconds to realize that Victor was asking for Star's hand in _marriage_ , and not for some weird severed-limb fetish.

"She's not marrying you," I said as soon as I broke out of my stupor. "She's only sixteen-,"

"-Which is the traditional age for Mewman courting rituals," Victor cut in.

"I'm still not marrying you," Star said bluntly. "Of age or not- I'd have to be crazy, blind, or optimally _both_ before I ever let _you_ have me. Plus, I don't just live by Mewnian law anymore. I live by Earth, too. And on Earth, getting married at sixteen is kind of frowned upon." Star blushed. "At least on _this_ part of Earth it's frowned upon."

"Sweet princess," Victor laughed. "You're a funny one."

"What are you-,"

"I suggest surrendering yourself to me now. Because if not, I will be taking you by force. Painful, relentless, force." Victor's tail cracked against the ground. His wings extended. His smile widened.

"Gee," I hummed, mocking deep thought. "Force sounds awful tempting, doesn't it?"

"Painful _and_ relentless. A real bargain," she agreed.

"Perfect. By force it is, then!" I shouted, "Star!"

Star nodded, holding her hands out cheerleader-style and bracing herself. I rushed forward, jumping and using her palms as a springboard as I sent myself soaring into the air.

"Stardust Daisy Devastation!"

Victor exploded in a bomb of yellow and dandelions. I closed my eyes and let my will lead my foot right into the center of the fray, crashing into Victor's chest like a meteor. Unfortunately, meteors were apparently no match for decent armor. I bounced off Victor like a rubber ball, twisting in the air to keep my feet on the ground.

Victor stumbled back, an amused smile on his face.

I lunged forward as soon as I caught even footing, my fist meeting Victor's chin. Victor hissed, his tail sweeping under my legs. I tripped backwards, my ass hitting the concrete. I tried to get up, but Victor aimed the stinger of his tail at my throat.

"I'd be careful if I were you," he crooned. "The stinger is lethal."

"Thanks for the heads up," I growled, jumping over the tail as if I were playing some terrifying game of jump-rope.

Star blasted Victor with her insanely huge arsenal of magic blasts and spells.

"Narwhal Blast!"

"Radical Rainbow Blast!"

"Raspberry Panzerfaust!"

The last one finally knocked Victor down to his knees. He laughed with the staccato explosiveness of a Gatling-gun and picked himself back up.

"You're charming yourself," Star's eyes narrowed. "You can't be this strong."

"Correct, your highness," Victor smiled. "As you can clearly see, I'm impervious to your magic. So blast me! I dare you. However, we really should wrap this up soon. I've got a two o'clock show to make."

"Star, get back," I warned, pushing myself right into the blast zone between her and Victor.

"Marco, I can fight without my wand," she snapped.

Victor laughed and sprung forward. He caught my shoulder, but I went slack just in time to avoid dislocation. I swept my leg low to catch Victor's ankles, but he was ready for me. He slammed his tail into my side, sending me reeling.

Victor leapt into the air, extending his wings and sailing right into Star. He pressed her back until her shoulders touched the brick wall behind her. A huge paw caught her neck, and claws goaded cherry blood from her flesh.

"Star!" I yelled. I scrambled to my feet, but Victor's tail stopped me in my tracks. The venomous tip hovered just a shy inch from my Adam's apple. He turned his attention back to Star.

"Star Butterfly. You are… aggravating," Victor sneered.

As if to prove him right, Star spat right in his eye.

"That's not really in your best interest," Victor snarled. He picked her up by her throat. She couldn't move.

"Marco," Star choked, slamming her eyes shut. Something glinted in the corner of my eye.

I knew I needed to do something, but there was no way to save her. I was stuck. Victor's stinger waved menacingly in front of me like a toxic soccer goalie.

"Come now," Victor said. "We haven't time to waste.

Victor slipped some glowing green shackles from a pocket at his waist. He slapped them on Star's wrist as if he were a cop detaining some underage punk for a misdemeanor. His tail left my company as he slashed another dimensional portal and stepped through it.

"Star!"

I rushed forward as fast as my legs would take me. My eyes caught Star's one last time. Those brilliant blue things- I'd looked into them a thousand times before, but in that moment, the only time that ever mattered was that single fleeting second.

And when the portal closed far too soon, my body finally gave in, and I sobbed.


	2. The Prince of the Underworld

The Prince of the Underworld Calls Me an Idiot

I didn't have the luxury of feeling bad for myself.

I hoped I didn't raise too many questions stumbling out of the alleyway looking like I'd gotten into a scuffle with a bunch of feral cats. Thankfully, the people of Echo Creek had become more or less accustomed to Star's special brand of dangerous weirdness. She wasn't really the type to hide her abilities, so in their own way, our town was just as immune to her magic as Victor was.

A few people stopped to ask if I was okay, but other than that, I was left alone.

My reflexes jolted again as soon as I saw the alligator-men. There was a swarm of them, all standing upright in a little football huddle near the trashed frozen yogurt shop. I could smell the monstrous aura off their backs from a block away. I balled my fists and took cover behind the corner of a building.

Strangely enough, none of the alligator-men seemed to be doing any terrorizing. They all wore bright yellow jumpsuits with a strange green symbol on the back and a slogan reading, "NO MAGIC? NO PROBLEM!"

One of the alligators was talking to a shopkeeper while the others dispersed to sweep up the debris from our fight with dustpans and brooms.

It never occurred to me that monsters might have regular cleaning jobs. After a few more minutes of close observation, I came to the conclusion that they were safe to approach.

I walked out, warily eying the beasts. The smell hit me first. Imagine all of the sewers in New York City suddenly got up and started walking around and you'll have a faint idea of the kind of stench I had to endure.

"Marco Diaz!" one of them called.

I immediately tensed, falling into my fighting stance. The alligator-man racing up to me stopped in his tracks, throwing up his arms in defense.

"Whoa, whoa, hang on there, kid!" he said, his voice surprisingly light. "I'm sorry for startling you there. I just need you to sign a few papers. You _are_ Marco, right?"

"Y-yeah, that's me," I stammered, relaxing a fraction of a degree. The monster walked forwards and shook my hand cheerfully. Thankfully, big rubber gloves covered his scaly claws.

"Great, great. My name is Chip, and I'm the Monster Resources Manager of _Eradi-gators: cleaning for any occasion!_ Our humble company covers everything- from parties and musical venues to deadly battles. All-inclusive, and all without magic. Yup, we just use good, old-fashioned bleach and brushes to get out those nasty blood stains. Works better than any spell, if you want my honest opinion."

"Right…" I nodded slowly, trying to process everything.

"Anyways, look at me go- rambling like a socialite," Chip laughed, shaking his head in faux-shame. "Here, Marco- your damage report. Don't worry about the price. The entire thing was paid off by our sponsor. I just need you to sign to cover the technical legalities."

I scanned the documents quickly before signing my name. To be honest, the papers could've had me legally bound to shave my head every month so that my hair could be used for scrub-brush bristles and I probably wouldn't've noticed. I was too fixated on something Chip had mentioned.

"Who's the sponsor?" I asked, handing the papers back to him.

"Oh, only Vicero Bolivar," Chip said reverently. "He's always very generous with collateral damage."

Vicero. _Victor_. I felt my teeth grit at the name.

I had to keep my cool, though. Acting rash wasn't going to help me find Star.

"So, hypothetically, if I had to know what dimension Victo- I mean _Mr. Bolivar_ might reside in…"

"Completely confidential!" Chip said cheerfully.

I cursed. But giving up easily wasn't in my blood. Hell, I'd waited ten years to ask one girl out. If I could get Jackie Lynn Thomas to date me, I could get one measly interdimensional address.

I came up with a plan.

"What a shame," I sighed, "I _really_ wanted to give him a gift for his kindness…"

"Oh?" Chip asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"Yeah," I said. "I mean: it's only right, isn't it? Especially after he paid for the cleaning and everything. I'm sure the battle-damage package isn't cheap."

"It's priced fairly!" Chip defended, looking hurt. "Have you ever tried to clean the blood of a Lernaean Hydra?"

"No."

"It's highly acidic! We went through twenty-six pairs of rubber gloves that day!"

"Sounds rough," I sympathized. "But even so- wouldn't it be possible to slip Mr. Bolivar's dimension just this _one time?_ I mean, I know this place that makes really cool edible arrangements…"

"Gosh, that sounds nice… But I'm afraid we can't afford any more lawsuits after our little misunderstanding in the Wreck-Taal dimension."

"The _what_ dimension?"

"Exactly!" Chip nodded. "Look, I'm super sorry, but I can't lose my job for a fruit basket. I have kids, you know."

I felt my stomach drop. Sure, I had a pair of dimensional scissors that could take me literally anywhere, but they needed a location to go to. I could dimension-hop forever and probably never find Victor's lair. And even if I did decide to randomly cut open portals, Heckapoo (the forger of dimensional scissors and all-time master at keep-away) had warned me once that too many cuts in the fabric of space-time could really mess it up.

"Thanks anyways," I said, feeling hopeless. I bowed my head and settled my hands into my pockets. I didn't mean to cry, but before I knew it my vision was going blurry.

"Hey, kid, don't cry," Chip said hastily. "Look, I can't tell you his exact location… But I guess I can let you in on a little something. But you can't say I was the one who told you!"

My eyes lit up. "Thank you!"

"Alright, alright. His dimension is hidden, but it does need to receive shipments every now and again- from what I know, he gets two things pretty regularly: Sunstone and Mane Tonic. Does that ease your search? Come on, now- stop crying. I'm a father; I hate when kids cry."

"This is great," I said, wiping my eyes. "Thank you so much." I'll admit: it wasn't much of a start. But it was something.

"No problem. But hey, since I helped you out, could you give us a quick review?" Chip pulled out a little pencil and paper, waggling it in my face.

I caved, figuring that it was the least I could do. I sat down at one of the newly-replaced tables and started scrawling out responses on the paper.

Customer Service? 10.

Hygiene? 4.

I was finishing my final comments when a claw tapped on my shoulder. I jolted, whipping around.

"Hey, don' hit me!" the alligator under my fist yelped. His name tag read as Brian. "I jus' found this is all! I don' mean no harm!"

Brian held up a heavy duty Zip-lock bag, and my eyes nearly popped out of my skull.

Inside, sparkling impeccably was Star's wand. The plastic must've protected it from me, because it still held the appearance Star had given it as I wrapped my fingers around the hilt.

"It's… yeah it's mine. I must've dropped it." I lied. "Thanks."

"Sure," Brian said nonchalantly, as if he hadn't just touched the single most powerful vessel of magic to exist in the multiverse.

With that, I gave Chip his customer review and booked it to my car.

Mom and Dad had initially been shy about giving me a car (the idea of Star's ever-growing radius of destruction being _mobile_ probably horrified them), but they warmed up to it eventually. Ever since, I'd been driving behind the second-hand wheel of a shabby '98 Escort with hand-crank windows and no A/C.

God, I loved that old car.

I pressed my back to the leather seats, feeling calmer instantly. As soon as my hands had stopped shaking long enough to hold my phone steady, I dialed Jackie's number.

There were two long, agonizing rings before she finally picked up.

"Hey, babe," Jackie said into the receiver. Her voice made me melt. It was always warm and soothing, like even if the world were ending, she'd somehow know that everything out turn out okay.

"Jackie," I replied. My stomach twisted. I was about to feel like the biggest jackass on earth. "I… I need to cancel tonight," I confessed after a short pause.

There was a long moment of silence. And then, "You're kidding."

"I'm so sorry," I blurted. "It's Star. She-,"

"It's _always_ Star, Marco," Jackie snapped. I winced at her tone.

It's not like she didn't have a point. Star's demanding magic training preoccupied me most days. Lately, it had become basically impossible for me to be anywhere but at her side. Apparently, Star's magic had an attractive smell to monsters. Therefore, the stronger the magic she practiced, the more feverishly they pursued her. Star's parents had warned her to ease up on her training, but the day Star listened would be the day hell froze over.

So naturally, the fights were getting more frequent and more violent. Star needed me to have her back more often. And as her best friend, I was happy to oblige.

I guess I'd been leaving Jackie in the dust a little bit because of it.

"Jackie, please," I begged, "Look, it's not what you think. Star… she was taken. I have to find her."

"Wait, what?" Jackie's tone changed instantly. "What happened, Marco?"

I quickly summed up what happened with Victor. I rested my head on my steering wheel. Tears bubbled in my eyes, but I forced them back. I was in no place to cry.

"Pick me up," Jackie ordered as soon as I finished. "We're going to find her."

"Jackie, she's not in this dimension," I explained. "It would be too dangerous for you to-,"

"Marco Diaz, if you're anywhere but my driveway in the next ten minutes you _will_ be dead."

Needless to say, I kicked my car in gear and made it to her house with three minutes to spare.

I parked on the street, my head pounding. Jackie emerged from her house moments later, and I swear: my jaw dropped like it belonged on one the old _Tom and Jerry_ cartoons I used to watch as a kid.

Jackie wore a pair of loose green cargo pants and a black bomber jacket. In her hands, she held a slightly dented baseball bat. Combat boots were laced halfway up her shins. A drawstring bag hung around her shoulders, the straps making an X across her chest.

She trotted over to my car and helped herself to the passenger seat.

"God, I love you," I murmured.

She didn't return the sentiments. She was too busy gaping at me.

To be fair, I probably looked like a homeless guy who somebody tried to mug. Though Star had healed the scratch on my side, my jacket and shirt still had the huge gash splitting them, and they were pretty much drenched in blood. My jeans were scuffed. A few of the bruises left by Victor were starting to shine on my battered face.

"Shit, Marco," Jackie gasped. She rarely saw me so roughed up anymore, thanks to Star's magic. She reached out to touch my cheek, but I pushed her hand away.

"What's the look for? I'm fine," I managed a weak smile. "Come on- we've got to go to my house for a little. I need to make a call."

On the drive back to my house, Jackie was almost completely silent. It got to me pretty quickly. I wasn't like Star, and I didn't need constant noise in my life, but the way she was staring at me was… unsettling. As if she was just starting to see that I wasn't quite normal. I picked at the peeling leather of my steering wheel.

Look, I'd spent a majority of my life feeling like a social outcast. I didn't need my own girlfriend treating me like a freak, too.

"You got all that prepared pretty quickly," I blurted out, breaking the quiet air around us. "Did you plan on going to dinner like that?"

"Oh, shove it, Marco," Jackie snorted. Her light tone came as a relief to me. "I've been prepared for something like this for a while."

"Oh?"

"Yep," she nodded. "Turns out that having a boyfriend who fights the forces of evil on a regular basis kind of convinces you to prep for emergencies. I've got everything: money, water canteens, ibuprofen- and more."

"You are impossibly wonderful," I grinned. It felt good to smile.

I know every decent guy ever has said that they've got the best girlfriend on earth, but how many of them can say that their girlfriend went and prepared an emergency kit in case she was needed for a potentially deadly magical quest? Knowing that Jackie had been ready to have my back at any given moment made me grin.

"Marco?" she spoke up.

"Yeah?"

"Are you sure you're okay?" The smile on my face vanished.

I stopped at a red light. My eyes bore into the street before me, looking for an answer. I stared at the people in their cars as they crossed me. I was jealous of every one of them. The biggest problem in their lives was probably finding a good late-night show to watch with dinner.

I had to worry about being alive to see tomorrow. See, I knew my life was luckier than it was precious. I knew that I could die at any time in any number of ugly, horrible ways. But usually, it didn't bother me because I always had Star to cover me and remind me that everything would be okay in the end.

But, in the typical fashion, I couldn't afford to feel upset. Star had it worse. I said it in my head to cement it there: _Quit whining. Star has it worse. You have to be strong for her._

The wand felt like lead in my pocket.

"Marco?" Jackie broke me out of my thoughts.

"I'm…" I sighed. "I'm okay. I've got to be."

And we left it at that.

We got back to my house within the next ten minutes. Jackie and I hurried upstairs, making sure not to engage with my parents. I don't think it would've mattered if we did, though.

Hear me out; I'm not some ungrateful brat. I love my parents a lot. They've done everything they've needed to do, and I've never gone to bed hungry or cold. But if I hypothetically disappeared, I don't think they'd notice. Not for a long time at least.

It was a thought that had haunted me often before I met Star, but nowadays, it came as an odd comfort.

I found a clean jacket and shirt to throw on before I got into Star's room. Her floor looked just as messy as she had left it that morning. I took in a deep breath.

I pulled back the curtain to her mirror-phone. That thing was pretty awesome. Any person in any dimension could be contacted instantly. It was like the magical, souped-up version of Face-Time.

And the prank-calls? Legendary.

"So what's your plan?" Jackie asked.

"We can't do this alone," I explained, frowning. "This is magic territory. And we can't afford to lose time going into it blind. If anyone knows about the guy who took Star… well, the demon prince of the underworld can't be a bad shot."

I turned to the mirror and cleared my throat. "Call Tom."

The mirror shimmered to life instantly. My reflection faded, replaced by the fiery tongues of Hellfire and Tom Lucitor.

"Marco!" Tom said, a grin plastered on his face. "Dude, what's happening? And who's that pretty thing next to you?"

My face flushed. "Watch it, man. This is my _girlfriend,_ Jackie," I snapped. "And also- this is serious. Star's missing."

Tom's goofy smile vanished. "Missing?"

I nodded, re-explaining the story for the second time of the hour. "This guy, Victor- he took her. I've only got a basic idea of how to find him, and I don't think I have time to waste. I need your help."

"Victor," Tom rolled the name around his tongue.

"Sorry. His full name is Vicero. Vicero Bolivar."

"It rings a faint bell," Tom shrugged.

He didn't look too worried, which made me kind of mad. This guy was Star's old psycho-possessive ex-boyfriend. He'd messed with my life about a dozen times just because he had the inkling of suspicion that Star and I were smooch buddies. If anyone should've been riled up about this, it would be Tom.

To see him so chill about the whole thing made me bristle. "Are you gonna help me or what?" I asked.

"Sure, I'd help. But do you _really_ think Star would need or want that? She isn't exactly a damsel in distress. You probably know that better than anyone," Tom shrugged. "Are you sure you're not just being paranoid?"

My hands trembled with fury. I hated being told I was overreacting more than just about anything. I reached into my pocket and took out the Zip-lock bag. I held it up to the mirror, so that Tom could see it clearly. "I'm sure."

Tom's expression went grave. He snapped his fingers, and there was a faint rumbling noise as a carriage drawn by gargoyles parked behind him. "Wait for me, Diaz."

The mirror clicked off, and Tom was gone.

I took a deep breath and stepped backwards. My legs hit Star's bed and I let the rest of my body follow. Jackie sat down next to me, threading her fingers in my ratty hair. I guess she knew I was taking this harder than usual.

I mean, it wasn't as if Star and I had never been separated before. But this time was different. She didn't have her wand. She was helpless.

Don't get me wrong, I would never underestimate her. But without her magic…

Actually, I wasn't sure how good of a chance she would stand even _with_ her magic. I'd never seen a monster that could charm itself to be immune to the wand's power. I hadn't even thought it possible.

Jackie was wordless next to me, something I was grateful for.

I sighed, sitting up and reaching into my pocket. I drew out Star's wand. It was still gleaming, even behind the layer of plastic.

Suddenly, an impulse grabbed me and would not let go.

It was a faint pull in my gut that grew stronger with every passing second. It was desire and greed, and the vessel that promised relief to both these ailments lay right in my palms.

I suddenly started to understand why monsters were so _drawn_ to Star. The sheer magnitude of power emanated by the wand… it screwed with your emotions. It filled you with want. It fixated you. I never really felt the desire to claim the wand before because Star was always around, but now…

I wish I could tell you that I was a better person. I wish I could say that I put the wand back in my pocket, virtuously demonstrating my loyalty to Star, and my great force of will.

But I'm not as strong of a person as people think I am.

I carefully unzipped the bag.

I remember Glossaryck mentioning that the wand was a reflection of the soul. It was made to mirror the heart of whoever claimed it. Any creature without a strong heart risked being consumed by it completely.

I had to hope that I was as heroic as Star seemed to believe I was.

"Jackie, get back," I said in warning.

"Marco-,"

"I said, _get back._ "

Jackie didn't reply, scooting away. Her eyes were wide, and they shifted between the wand and I in restless anticipation.

I reached into the bag, and pulled out the wand.

And suddenly, the universe imploded.

You know that feeling you get when you wake up from a dream in which you're falling? Imagine that sensation, and then multiply it by about three-hundred. That's basically what it felt like to hold the wand for the first time.

My body felt warm. I could feel the blood rushing through my vessels- _literally._ The stinging sensation of my bruises and cuts slipped away. The wand glowed white-hot in my hand, but I didn't register any pain.

Then, just as quickly as it had begun, the rush faded. It left me feeling great: like I had just run a marathon without breaking a sweat. In my hands the wand had morphed. It was a sleek bronze color, with a blood-red ring around the crystal in the middle. The wings had shifted up like the guards of a gilded sword hilt.

"Oh no," A voice said behind me. I whipped around. It was Tom. He looked at me with narrowed eyes. "You shouldn't've done that, Marco."

"Why not?" I knit my brows. Maybe the wand was giving me confidence, but suddenly, Tom didn't really scare me- which was kind of stupid considering he was an all-powerful demon prince, and I was a teenager with a first degree black-belt.

Tom laughed bitterly, running a claw-like hand through his hair. "You _idiot."_

"What did I do?" I said. I was starting to get angry now.

Tom stared me dead in the eyes. "You, Marco Diaz- gigantic _fucking_ dumbass of the century, just lost our last chance at finding Star."

* * *

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	3. I Instantly Have Regrets

**This is a short one. Whoops. Enjoy anyways!**

* * *

I Instantly Have Regrets About Inviting a Handsome Latin-Speaking Demon to be Around My Girlfriend

Early on, I had made a grave mistake in assuming Star was like me. Physiologically, I mean.

See, the thing about Star- or rather, Star's entire race- is that they aren't exactly human. Sure, to any common spectator, Star looked and acted like any regular girl (albeit a girl constantly on a wicked sugar-high), but her species was fully and undeniably Mewman.

There are no obvious differences between humans and the inhabitants of Mewni- we share a basic anatomy, psychology, and even a modern language. But there was one glaring factor in discriminating between our two breeds- one that Tom would make sure to nail into my skull mercilessly, as if it were the final hinge on a coffin door:

Mewmans possessed a magical potential. Humans did not.

"The wand is useless now!" Steam blew out of Tom's nose (You think this is a figure of speech or something?) "It's garbage! Rubbish! It's what you mortals might call a _fresh piece of shit."_

I snapped, "I'm sorry, okay? I don't know what came over me-,"

"You're weak willed," Tom whirled around and jabbed a clawed thumb into my sternum. "No better than the _caenum_ that pursue power like starved dogs."

It was something about Tom's slip into Latin that shook me loose from the magic-induced high I was riding. Usually, he just spoke with typical Earth slang (because really- calling a twelve year old an _irrumator praetor matrem suam_ over Xbox live really does not give the same effect as its English equivalent). He'd mentioned once that language- especially languages with the words of the ancient- held power in his dimension, and were never to be used lightly.

Something told me that if I didn't calm down soon, I'd earn an early trip to the underworld.

"I get it, okay? I screwed up. There's nothing we can do about it now," I said, releasing a heavy sigh.

"You should be glad I care far more about Star's life than your suffering," Tom snarled.

"Thrilled," I assured him with a roll of my eyes. Before Tom could send me down to an eternity without A/C, I continued. "This isn't a lost cause, okay? I got word from Victor's clean-up crew that he regularly gets interdimensional shipments. If we can find those orders, we can find him."

"What kind of shipments?" Jackie asked. Her voice shook me a little. I'd forgotten that she was even there.

"Sunstone," I said after a brief pause. "And… mane tonic."

"Sunstone…" Jackie hummed thoughtfully. She reached into her drawstring and pulled out a skinny black book.

"Then we have to get moving," Tom said, his eyes meeting mine. "Get your car started, and make sure we have gas."

"Dude, I've got dimensional scissors. We can just-,"

Tom snorted humorlessly. His eyes flashed for a moment, and I got a sudden vision of the souls of the damned, screaming and clawing at the pits of hell. I shivered.

"We're going to a universal trading port, dumbass. It's literally the Holy Grail of dimensional rifts. Do you really think putting more holes anywhere around that area is a good idea?"

"Fair enough," I nodded, subconsciously feeling the burn scar on the back of my head. Heackapoo's wrath was definitely not on list of things I needed to deal with right now.

"C'mon, Jackie," I said. "Let's go start the car."

Jackie held up a hand in dismissal. "I'll be down in a little. I need to decipher this." She gestured towards her book and tilted it upwards to let me read the title:

STUDIUM DAEMONUM

I was about to say something, but Tom beat me to the punch.

"That's Latin," he mused, eyes lighting. He strode over to peer at the old yellowing pages. He scanned the text for a moment before nodding. "Tell me what you need to know," he said gently. He then turned to me, and his eyes hardened again. "We'll meet you down there, Marco."

I felt compelled to obey, though my teeth and fists were clenched tightly the entire way down.

Getting in my car, I checked the gas. It was three-quarters full (I never let it dip below the halfway mark in case of emergency), so I dug into the garage for a jerry-can. After making sure the fuel was substantially closer to the "full" marker, I found myself sitting behind the wheel.

I turned on the stereo, hitting my third preset to tune into the Echo Creek Alternative station. It grated on me, and I turned it off almost immediately.

Tom had been right: possessing the wand had been idiotic. I'd already failed as Star's escort and guardian… Claiming the wand and besmirching the Butterfly name on top of that only assured me that contacting her parents would be suicide.

Jackie and Tom emerged from the front door. They seemed to be cheerful enough, Jackie laughing brightly at something Tom was going on about. My eyes narrowed, but I said nothing.

"Did you find what you needed?" I asked as Jackie took shotgun.

Tom stretched out his legs in the back. "We did," he nodded.

"Tom…" I chastised. He was sitting long ways, with his back propped against one window, and his feet against the other.

"Fine, fine. I'll sit like a good little boy," Tom put his legs down and buckled himself in. I grinned.

"Anyways," Jackie broke in. "According to the Study of Demons, Sunstone is a big component in warding away witchcraft."

"That must be what Victor used to charm himself with," I nodded, putting my car in reverse and pulling out.

"Do you know where you're going, Diaz?" Tom asked with an unamused frown.

"I… uh…"

"Right, of course," he huffed. He flicked his wrist, and a long blue flame tore from beneath the car, leading down the street in a thin, straight line.

"Is that-,"

"Demon GPS? Basically," Tom grinned.

"You're a massive pain in my ass, but this is awesome," I said. I followed the blazing trail full-throttle.

 _We're on our way, Star,_ I thought _. I swear, we'll be there soon._


End file.
